When a crisis hits us in our
lives we naturally want it to end as soon as possible. We may look into
psychotherapy and counselling and see that it takes a bit of time. Then we see
that cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) takes 6 – 8 sessions and it’s an easy
choice. Or we have done some psychotherapy but want to be fixed quicker so CBT
is an easy choice.
We can come to CBT wanting a
one-line ‘magic bullet’ phrase or piece of advice that will undo all our
problems. We don’t want the answers to
have to do with our behaviour, our body or our feelings, just be cognitive.
Those areas are off limits. Our back story can also be off limits ie how we got
into this situation. The more that is out of bounds and off limits, the more
any solution will be purely partial and won’t last very long. What we are DOING
is avoiding. Trying to fix only one aspect of ourselves is like putting a small
boat on a big ocean, when the ocean rears up the boat gets smashed and the
ocean reasserts itself. In other words, the size and power of the mind and its
patterns reasserts itself.
Emotionally we can therefore come
to CBT with impatience and anger, born out of desperation, but showing an
underlying sense of panic and uncertainty. What we are DOING is treating
ourselves and others harshly and impatiently from the panic we feel at the uncertainty
we are experiencing.
From this we move into
relationships and a therapeutic relationship with a sense of ‘give me the
answer, you fix me now’. What we are DOING is assuming someone else has YOUR
answer. What we are telling ourselves is ‘I can’t help myself’. What we are
also telling a therapist is ‘I’m looking for certainty, I can’t bear the
uncertainty I’m feeling and the anxiety it brings’.
We are stuck in the vicious cycle
of how we treat ourselves. CBT describes the vicious cycle as ‘What we DO follows
from and serves to confirm what we believe’.
In CBT we have to become aware of
what we DO first, become aware of our patterns. As we calm down we get in touch
with the uncertainty and anxiety and see that we don’t know, YET. Knowing that
you don’t know is the beginning of knowing and is the start of the solution. We
start to give ourselves the time and space we need to look at what’s happening
in us and to take a more full view rather than racing to fix one thing out of
panic. As the panic itself subsides we see the same one problem differently
already. We then have space to trace the roots of this panic and find the
underlying assumptions and the core beliefs they sit on. Albert Ellis, one of
the founding father of CBT, said: ‘We are not disturbed simply by our
experiences, rather we bring our ability to disturb ourselves to our
experiences.’
CBT is not something separate
from psychotherapy. CBT’s founding principals are based on the same therapeutic
principals. There is just a slightly different emphasis – the importance of
DOING something to change it, behaving in new ways. When we change what we do,
when we stop avoiding and stop panicing and stop treating ourselves with
aggression and impatience, and see that we CAN help ourselves and what that might
involve, we can begin to DO things differently.
In summary, we become aware of
what we do first, then consider ‘what can I DO’ that would represent an
important symbolic change in that behaviour. When we act differently we get
different experiences coming back to us and our life changes.
How long that takes depends on
what is happening with us. Six to eight sessions may indeed be enough to get
through the crisis. It may require more and it may not. It’s like drinking
water, if you don’t drink enough you remain thirsty, if you drink too much, you
can continue drinking but there is no point. There is a point between these two
extremes that is the right ‘enough’ point for YOU. Only you can judge that
point from your experience of CBT.
To experience CBT for yourself in Dublin city centre, contact me through www.thomaslarkin.ie
